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  • Writer's pictureTLALOCO

"La Muerte de la Tortilla"

This is the sequel to the PuroChisme blog post "Eres lo que Comes." A short play that shares the true story about addiction that can only be cured by resolution and pues...just a little, common sense! If your in a Teatro [Theater] company, try it out...for free! Just give PuroChisme a shout-out! If your not in a Teatro, then what's up with all the drama in your life?

Location: Anywhere Time: 10 minutes

Equipment: Table, 4 chairs, fake phone, fake medical file-clipboard and desk lamp.

Audience: Students and invited guests.

Theme: A comedic look at addictions/habits that are bad for us but ignored sometimes until its too late.

ACTO: Scene #1 opens with patient sitting across from his Doctor.

SCENE #1 [Two actors]

Doctor Bigbill reviewing patient Leeme Lone’s medical file:

“Hum, looks like your blood sugar is elevated again Leeme, and your cholesterol remains high. As I told you last year, we need to make some changes in your diet immediately. If we don’t do something drastic you could have serious medical consequences that are not reversible.

Patient: Doctor Bigbill, I’m exercising more now, eating lots of fruit from my garden and I’ve cut down on my beer drinking and cigars. [Leeme looks at the audience] and yells, Except the Yesca! That should count for something Doc.

Doctor Bigbill: No, Leeme, it doesn’t count if your blood tests remain abnormal. You know what I’m talking about! Have you stopped drinking ALL FORMS of alcohol?

Leeme Lone: Pues, Simon que yes, no more beer for me Doc!

Doctor Bigbill: What about Tequila Leeme?

Leeme Lone: But that is nature’s cure. Its from the yucca plant, the medicine of the Aztecas.

Doctor Bigbill: It doesn’t matter where its from, alcohol, is alcohol. And it certainly hasn’t cured what ails you has it? How often do you drink?

Leeme: Oh, between…maybe 5, [Looks at the audience] or 7 days a week! But only after 4pm and ONLY after dinner. If I remember correctly.

Doctor Bigbill: Ok, let’s cut that down to a few shots on the weekend only. Can you do that?

Leeme: [Nodding his head in agreement…but with a sad look] Yeah, I guess so.

Doctor Bigbill: Now for the hard part…you need to stop all intake of glutens.

Leeme: Glue que? I don’t eat foreign foods doc. Just Mexican y American food. Porque soy Mexican-American!

Doctor Bigbill: Leeme, glutens are pretty much any bread product associated with flour.

Leeme: Smiling…Bread, oh, I can stop eating bread! Pero, I do eat pan dulce during the weekend y Christmas holidays.

Doctor Bigbill: That's still not good for you. Leaning across the table, the Doctor inquisitively asks, Do you eat [turning his head to the audience smiling, “Tor__till__as?”]

Leeme: [Turns his head to the audience too, pleading out loud, “Tortillas!”] [Turning his attention back to Doctor Bigbill, Leeme barks] Doc, I can’t…I can’t, stop eating tortillas! Please anything but that, I’ll do anything!

Doctor Bigbill: Anything? Well, I WAS going to suggest you reduce your use of Viagra.

[Both actors look at the audience and scream out…Ayeeeee!]

Leeme: Ok, Doc you win…but I’m going to need some help...getting off my tortilla addiction. You see, I’ve been eating them my whole life, it’s a cultural thing. Mi abuelita slapping the masa and pounding the tortilla pin each morning was music to my ears. The smell, the taste of tortillas hechos de mano…gracias a dios [Leeme does the sign of the cross]

Doctor Bigbill: His head down, writing a prescription. A…huh…sure.

Leeme: Look Doc, Who needs a fork or spoon when you have a delicious, freshly made tortilla. It ain’t no stinking Taco Bell!

Doctor Bigbill: A huh, yeah…whatever…Here go see this therapist. [Doctor Bigbill and Leeme stand up] She’s a miracle worker. A Curandera, very well known in the barrio, that never fails to find the right remedy. You’ll need a miracle to fix this problem!

SCENE #2 [Four actors]

There are four chairs on the stage with one [Therapist Chair] facing the audience and chairs on either side.

Therapist: Hi everyone, I’m Sindy Sutra and I’m here to help [Looks at the audience] you all, [Looks back at patients] help yourselves. Please introduce yourself to everyone and please tell us why you’re here today. We can start with you madam [Pointing at the first chair].

Pura Chisme: Hi everybody, my name is Pura, Pura Chisme, I’m here because my parents think I spend too much time on the phone [Pura, looks down at her phone] but that’s not…truereally. Auh, excuse me, I need to send this text…[Pura, looks at the audience] It's very very important! {Pura looks back down at her phone rises from the chair and leaves the stage for the remainder of the acto]

Sindy Sutra: Okay, seems we have our work cut out here. How about you sir? What is your story?

Arturo Seeya: [fidgeting in his chair] I’m Arturo Seeya, and I’m here because of the court-ordered Pokemon Go therapy I have to complete. Be... because of the 10-car accident they say I triggered [Looks at the audience] but I didn’t! [Arturo looks at his smartphone and yells happily] Wait a minute! Look, I can capture a “gym” right here in the parking lot! I need this…I’m sorry, but…I gotta go! [Actor gets up and leaves the stage for the remainder of the acto].

Sindy Sutra: Well, I guess it’s just me and you sir. What brings you here?

Leeme: [Looking at the Sindy Sutra, the therapist] Auh, my name is Leeme Lone and I’m here because my doctor threatened to take my Viagra away if I didn’t stop eating tortillas. I have been clean for three days… [Looking at the audience] except for the egg burrito I had this morning [dramatic pause and pleadingly] I couldn’t help it!

Sindy Sutra: Okayyy…a bit too much information but I can see you are an honest person who really wants to change. Actually, I think I have a solution you can try immediately.

Leeme: Look Ms. Sopa…

Sindy Sutra: [Interrupting] My name is pronounced, Su_tra.

Leeme: Pues, mira, Soka, I don’t think this is going to work…I can’t live without tortillas. To deny my craving is to deny mi cultura…my very existence. Mi entiendes?

Sindy Sutra: It’s Su_tra and, Yes I get your point! But don’t you think you’re putting a bit too much “crema on the taco?” Mi entiendes Méndez?

Leeme: [Raising his voice angrily] My name is Leeme not Méndez and No, I don’t get it!

Sindy Sutra: Well, it’s pretty simple…your doctor wants you to cut down on glutens…that would be the flour tortillas que no?

Leeme: Yeah, so what, I know that? Everyone knows that, [Leeme looks at the audience conceitedly] it’s common Naw-ledge!

Sindy Sutra: Well, Captain Obvious…the doctor didn’t say anything about MAIZE did he?

[Both Leeme (surprised look) & Sindy Sutra [I told you so look) stare into the audience, saying simultaneously] Maize, the food of the Mayan gods!

Leeme: Wow, I get it now! The world is a wonderful thing, que no?

Sindy Sutra: [Sarcastically] Yes, yes, Leeme, you’re so SMA_RRT.

[Sindy Sutra rises and walks briskly around the table and puts her hands on Leeme’s shoulder, saying] Anyways…it has always been my experience that when we reach back into our history, our traditions, we eventually find what we’ve been missing. Speaking of which, come back and we can talk more about your Viagra condition. [Sindy Sutra and Leeme both scream, Ayeeeee!]

[All the actors bow to the audience]

The End

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